Everyone needs a Fat Bastard

First off, Happy New Year! I didn't think it would be appropriate talking about penises and my sexual adventures around the big G's bday so I waited until now.....
I thought I'd entertain you with a little history on some words from Dee Dee's dictionary....


Well we've all had Puttanesca sauce right?


One day during lunch hour with a colleague, we had a discussion on where this word comes from and why it was called as such. If you look at it closely "Puttana" is the Italian word for whore. Why on earth would you incorporate this word into the name of a sauce one might ask????
Well here you go.... It has been told that it is a quick and easy pasta sauce for the Puttanas (whores) to make in between theire "customers", hence the name Puttanesca sauce- the whore's sauce.
Another theory was that Puttanesca sauce was named after the term whore because it had everything in it.
And finally one theory is that decent married women would see the ladies of the evening walking on the streets and they would throw this sauce made of left overs onto them from the balconies of their homes screaming "Puttana, Puttana".1
Well ladies you may want to think twice about making this sauce in the future ;)


Blowjob.....ever really think of where this word comes from. Ever wonder why it is called this when in fact you are sucking, therefore it should be a "Suck job".   Well with the way my mind thinks at a mile a minute and my mouth having no filter, I really wanted to know where it came from. The first thing that came to mind was that blow was another word for cocaine. This is what I found 2 ...... Here are some other interesting facts that I think you'll enjoy!...3,


Everyone needs a fat bastard....
My fat bastard  can be a a little different at first as he tastes different than others. After some time of being acquainted, I warm up to his smell and his somewhat bitter taste. He trickles down my throat with a warming feeling that travels throughout my body. My fat bastard makes me toasty when I feel cold, he makes me laugh when I feel a bit down and sometimes he can even make me tingle....... I usually don't like to share but on the odd occasion I will let my friends have some of my bastard,  but never with strangers. The more the merrier they say! At the end of an evening with my fat bastard, I am always happy. I feel good, I feel relaxed and I can't help but want more......And I know you would too, if only you had a taste of him......
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You have to read the back label...

Well really! what DID you think I was talking about!?

Signed with a kiss,

Dee xo

PS. A bastard is a child born of unmarried parents..an illegitimate baby.....I learnt this in one of my English lit classes in CEGEP!

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Attack of the killer braces and BEEMER BOYZ

WARNING: you may be highly offended if you have braces....but I don't care! READ ON!


Okay so after my heart ouch, I decided what better than to bandaid it with another man. I had been chatting to BB (brace boy) for a little while but had not yet met him. First impression...he spoke alot about money which seems to be a reoccurence on my dates (?????).  He told me about his life story on our first phone call and I mean from birth until now. It was slightly overwhelming but I suppose he was nervous. 


Finally when time freed up, we decided we were going to go out for dinner. He came to pick me up. Very gentlemanly..opened my door, he was proper, clean cut, well dressed.....and he had braces. Now, I have NOTHING against anyone who has them but I found it rather odd to see a grown 38 year old man with braces. It brough me back to my youth when I was in grade five......


Carrying on, we went for dinner, I got a mouth full on how his future "wife" had to make sure she always looked good and took care of herself or no wonder he would stray away (!!?!?!?) and divorce is out of the question hmmmmmmmmmm So the wife doesn't look good anymore, the husband is going to cheat but divorce isn't an option. WHERE DO YOU COME FROM BUDDY?!?!?!?!?
And he is one to say this when he has a belly already!?!???!?! (As I observately noticed at the table....). 


The rest of the conversation was quite superficial....at least my steak and dirty were good. At the end of the meal he excused himself and left off to the restroom with his little braces bag....
Date ended, remember no kisses on the first date. The guy was nice but not much more. A couple of days later, we decided to go to a movie. I think this was out of possible boredom that I agreed to go! 


On the way to the movie I got another mouthful on how he couldn't understand why I wanted to get married but not in a church. He couldn't comprehend then why what the purpose of getting married was Oh god help me! At least he had to keep his mouth shout during the movie. 


So I was actually getting nervous during the movie because I could feel him inching his way towards me. Yuck....I had these awful thoughts start going through my head. What if he tries to kiss me. What if his braces cut my lips. What happens if his braces get stuck in my tongue. OMG OMG OMG WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!!!??! Slight panic mode. The movie ended and he drove me home. All I could think about was his braces attacking my mouth. My heart started pounding and my hands got clammy. I didn't want to kiss him!!!!!!!!!!! So the car stops in from of my place and the awkward moment begins. The stare in the eyes and slow lean in AHHHHHHHHH they're coming for me!!!!!!!..........So I dodge to the left, dodge to the right and out of the car I ran! I just couldn't do the brace, just no my cup of tea!


BEEMER BOYZ...
I just realised not too long ago that the last FIVE guys that I've gone on dates with drive BMW. So this enticed a theory....Maybe its not the type of guy that's not working for me, maybe it's the car. BMW's seem to attract a particular type of man....Hence maybe I need to change cars in order to get a different type of man....Mercedes, Audi, Lexus.....Maybe I'll have better luck ;)


Signed with a kiss,
Dee Dee xo

Mr. Erfect

So this is actually when my odd dating experiences took a temporary turn for the better.
After so many weird dates, I was just about to give up. I had agreed to go on a date with this guy I had met on the dating site. But really, I  was not really looking forward to it because I was worried I was going to meet another wack job and didn't think I could possibly handle it! I went into this date with absolutely no expectations except for one..he's probably weird and once again I'll go home disappointed.


I have to say at first this man was not my usual type...at all. I usually go for the exotic ethnic type. He was tall, blond hair, fair skin, American... and after meeting him very reserved and quiet. Now, I am not conservative nor quiet in any way shape or form! I kinda had to tone myself down cause I thought I was going to scare the guy off! We hit it off well on the first date and was glad to say he was completely normal! WOW FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!


I didn't know if I was going to see him again after this lunch date, but like I said I had no expectations. Well I ended up "dating" him for close to two months. I was actually HAPPY! I felt good being with him, I enjoyed his company but also his quietness and calmness. We did fun things together and even sometimes did nothing, which was just as pleasant. 


For the time that I knew Mr. Erfect, I found myself not worrying about the things that would usually bother me. I noticed on our first date and there after that he made a "hmmmmmm" noise every so often. I couldn't figure out if he was enjoying something I wasn't aware of or maybe a tick. I came to realize that it was just a pensive noise, as he often seemed to be in his thoughts. Cute! He also became such a grumpy pants when he was tired or hungry. Usually that would piss me off, but this time it didn't. I thought it was funny.


On one of our dates, we discussed how and why some people wait to have sex before marriage. I can definitely tell you that is an area I absolutely need to explore before making that move! I joked that he'd have to wait 3 months before getting anything from me. AND REALLY I was JOKING. Hell, I'm a nympho how could I possibly wait that long with this handsome man in front of me!!?!?!? Well that actually turned out to be just about accurate, I guess it kinda turned into a challenge or something. WELL WOW, believe me it proved to be extremely difficult. All I could think about was jumping him when we were fooling around! 


I have nothing weird or wrong to say about this man....You may have noticed that Mr. Erfect is missing a letter in his name.... This is because he moved away and now we live in different Places. Otherwise he really would be my Mr. Perfect.... I have to be honest this was a big pinch on my heart...and some days still is....It's hard when you actually feel the way you want to about and with someone and in no time at all it's all gone. Today we still keep in touch but now I'm left with the dilemma is this just a long pause or a slow delete? You wonder why you meet people sometimes when in the end you can't be with them. Anyone have an explanation? Cause I most certainly don't.


 I'M I EVER GOING TO CATCH A BREAK??????
 BACK TO SQUARE ONE.


Signed with a broken kiss,
Dee Dee xo

An Elvis Story

Once upon a time in the 1950's, lived a Greek woman who was obsessed with the King of Rock. Instead of traditionally naming her son after the grandfather's name she decided to rebel and go with something else....... ELVIS.

Really? Is that reallllllly your name!?!??! Well indeed it was. When I met him for the first time I actually thought he kinda looked like him too. Black hair, kind of puffy on top with a little front curl, dark eyes, medium build but didn't really look like his profile picture. But this seems to be the theme with the dating sites...

So as usual, the beginning was weird. Right off the bat, I had that bad gut feeling the minute I laid eyes on Elvis so I just decided to go with the flow and try to enjoy the evening as I knew it would be going nowhere.

To start off, the conversation was good, but it usually is...well actually I'd have to say it was interesting. He got right down to business and decided to explain why it didn't work out with the other woman. (considering he was much older, I was a little curious)

"So this one ex-girlfirend went on vacation to Cuba. She said she would bring me back a little souvenir..." he started off.

Well that's cute I thought.

"....So when she came back I was excited to see what she brought me... She took out this really shitty souvenir from the souvenir shop. I couldn't believe she was so thoughtless and brought back THAT!" he began to explain defensively.

"Well isn't it the thought that counts???" I asked completely shocked at his reaction!!

"We'll it didn't matter. I realized that she had put no thought into my gift so I decided I wasn't going to date a thoughtless girl and I broke it off with her!"

Hmmmm okay is he seriously??? What a self-fish, greedy prick!!!! I thought he was going to say she cheated on him which would be total break-up worthy. But no, he simply just didn't like the gift she brought him back from CUBA!!! At this point, I totally shut off and noticed this weird growth on his gums. "What is that??? Ewwww that's so gross!!!" I  was saying to myself. I'm sure my disgusted thoughts were written all over my face as Im really not good at hiding my emotions! (A nice mouth and teeth are a must. I guess its kinda one of my things).

Then he proceeded with the second story. Oh boy here we go....what? this one didn't make your bed properly???

"Then this one time, I was having this nice bottle of Porto. It was quite expensive and I thought you should know I DON'T have  a lot of money! (okay random). She had finished her glass and mine was nearing the end. She poured herself another glass but didn't refill mine. I was so appalled that she hadn't thought of me I burst out in anger and immediately dumped her!" again he said angrily.

Now I just don't know what to say! " Well I guess your a difficult man to please Elvis. I guess these women are no Priscilla's!!..."

Blah. blah, blah, went on. Dessert came around and he reached for my hands and tried to feed me chocolate mousse. Oh barf! This is way too cheesy and I felt uncomfortable. We ended the night in a whisky lounge. I drank quite a bit cause I figured the alcohol would at least make me feel warm and fuzzy unlike this King of Douches!

The night finally ended with him saying if I was interested I should give him a call...

Yeahhhhh that never happened and I graciously lived without my King of Rock happily ever after in my own Graceland!

Signed with a kiss,

Dee Dee xo

ps. Am I seriously everrrrrrrr going to meet anyone normal!?!!?!!?!?!!?

Mr. 3 A.M.

perfect timing....sorry for the delay...I've been a little caught up .... ;) But this was worth the wait.....


One morning, after a great sleep I woke up to a plethora of emails from that dating website I confessed about.  I logged on to go check them out....nothing interesting as usual! The only thing that was different today was that someone started to speak to me on instant chat. Ohh this is new and could be fun. The conversation went well..fast, so fast that we decided to meet up for lunch within the hour!


Wow! Ok! I get ready in due time, trying to ignore my nerves, trying to ignore the fact that I feel like throwing up from the nervousness! Five minutes til meeting time ahhhhhhhh, butterflies, pounding heart, What I am doing?!?!??!?!?! I wait outside patiently, to see a black car approach my house. Yup that was him..


Okay...hmmmm he looks a little different from the pictures but hey, that's always expected right? He greets me with a kiss kiss and we hop into the car.....


2 minutes in.....
"I'm getting a surgery there next week" he says. 


"Oh, are you okay??? For what?" I asked concerned


"I can't tell you..."


Okay this is weird I think to myself, but if the guy doesn't want to tell me I won't push it, so I drop it.


"Okay fine...I'm getting a nose job!" he blurts out.


I respond kind of in shock..."REALLY, WHY? Your nose looks fine to me" (and it really did, nothing wrong with it all all)


"Well you know...I'm also going to get botox and rejuvederm and all that stuff in a couple years!"


STRIKE ONE!  TURN OFF!


OMG who did I get into the car with????????????????? I'm pretty sure he saw the reaction on my face and  quickly dropped that topic.




4 minutes in......
"You know my car is the one of five BMW whatever number,  in this city....." as he floors it into third gear and my heart nearly stops.

"Oh okay..." I reply

"Oh and we have to go by the bank because I need to deposit 3000$ dollars...I don't really work, it's just something I have to do"

STRIKE TWO! TURN OFF AGAIN!


Dude I don't care about your freakin BMWhatever. It doesn't impress me. I couldn't care less that you have 3000$ to deposit.  And why the hell don't you work???? I want my Man to be the Man and work!!!Now THAT turns me on.  Are you seriously trying to impress me or are you just plain stupid? I'll go with the latter. There wasn't much to say for a bit....




11 minutes in.....
While I'm waiting for him to deposit his impressive "three thousand dollars", I wait outside extremely uncertain about this date. He finishes the drop and we start walking to our lunch destination. At the same time we also pass by a McDonald's ("Oh God, please don;t bring me there!!!!")


He mentions at how health conscious he is, and says that he hasn't eaten McD's in over 7 years. Well this is a good thing for anyone. I am also a very healthy person, but just happen to have had it the past weekend. I begin to tell him....

"It's funny you mention that, because I don't eat McD's either but at my friend's wedding this weekend the midnight buffet was MCD'S. How could anyone resist I just had to have some!"

I explain that it was my friend's claim to fame to eat McDonald's after a night out and that it was the perfect touch to have at her wedding.


"Well at my wedding, when I have a midnight buffet I'm    

going to have dildo's for everyone.....!!!!!" 

(WWWWWWWWWWWWTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF)

"What??????????" I respond.

"Well you know, after a night out everyone like dildos. What do you do after a night out at 3 am? He said completely oblivious to what has just uttered his mouth.

 "I GO TO BED!" I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, thank god I was wearing sunglasses.

STRIKE THREE! TURN OFF A LA MAX!


I had absolutely no clue what to do in this situation. I couldn't believe he just said that. My heart dropped into my stomach and I seriously felt sick. I had no car, not too acquainted with the PT system.... Okay suck it up, just go eat (it's the afternoon) and then get the hell outta there. that's what I did. Quick lunch, quick ride home, quick goodbye....Hasta la vista wacko, have fun with your dildos!




Needless to say, I stayed away from MY dildo for quiet some time ;)




Signed with a kiss,
Dee Dee xo

CONFESSIONS

Okay, so I need to make a confession....I joined a dating website.


I thought that after these awful dates( yet kind of entertaining because I get to write about them) I would join a site in order to be able to filter through all the douchebags.


I thought I would share some of the emails I have received as a FIRST contact from possible matches....


"Hello to u miss verey intresting profile so let's get to know each other nd see were it tacks uss" (Are you serious???? Haven't you heard of spell check!!!!!)


"Just a question but were you Miss_________ 2010" (Oh come on....as a matter of fact I was and now I'm Miss Datingsite 2011...!!!!)


"..... I work as a police officer and if you want I can save the uniform for you after dinner:)..." (This may be a little much considering this is the first email you're writing to me!)


"Hey yo...write to me." (Wow, need I say anything?)


"....You're only on this site to find a mate? Nothing else? ;), that's too bad..." (If I was seriously looking for a fuck- like you clearly are- I would not be on a dating site. Give me a break!)


Hmmmmmm, well so far it looks like it will be easy to get rid of the morons! Hopefully I'll meet ONE good guy....


While we're on the topic, some more confessions....


         * My weaknesses are men in suits, charmers and dark chocolate covered 
          almonds.


          *I watch porn and enjoy it! (girl on girl doesn't do it for me)
    
          *Sometimes I like to do nothing.


          *I don't always want to "Make love". Sometimes I just want to bang!


          *I once had a one night stand. When I saw him a couple of months later, I had 
           absolutely no recollection of who he was and what I did with him. My friend 
           had to remind me.  


       OOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!


Signed with a kiss,
Dee Dee xo

mr. COCKZILLA

So after a couple of really bad dates, I decided to put down some ground rules...


1. Trust your gut instinct, its always right.
2. No kissing on the first date. 
3. No emotional attachment (this means no sex unless.... A. you are 100% about the guy or B. you've gotten to the point where you just don't care ie: you don't see a future with him...)


Over the past few dates, I had only followed #3. Let's see how it goes!


I started getting a little bit more social with this guy I had known for quiet some time. He was a really nice guy to talk to, we enjoyed spending time together and overall just had platonic fun. We got together a couple of times, really just to hang out., nothing had ever happened between us. I'm not sure if I was ever expecting anything to happen, or was just plain not ready at that point in my life. One night we decided we were going to go out for dinner, have some wine and just decompress from our week. Perfect night!! and that's exactly what we did. (I'd after to say that this was after a good two months of just chatting and short visits to say hey what's up. )


Feeling a little warm and cozy from the wine, we were all giggles and good times. We made our way back to his place, the usual. We started acting silly and watching some stupid things on the net, really just letting it go. 


You know that ackward momentary pause when you just look at each other and you know your going to kiss but just waiting to see who will go in for it first? Well there it was....... our first kiss. Quite passionate I have to say. I liked the way he used his tongue and suckled on my lips, he really took control. ummmmmm gooooodddddddd.


So we're really getting into it, the shirts are coming off, a little more making out and a little more touching. My jeans are unbuttoned and he slowly slips them off. (fuck I'm turned on, I'm thinking!) 
Okay, so let's hope that  1. he is not "Mr. One Incher" or  2. "Mr. Grabs, push me down to no man's land!". I unbutton his jeans with some hesitation, praying I will not be disappointed.........


WWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL..................


Holyyyyyyyyy goshhhhhhhhhhh golyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy geeeezzzzzzzz 

THIS IS THE BIGGEST FUCKIN COCK I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! 

Okay ladies, you know we all mesure it this way. No I couldn't even be close to wrapping my hand around it! I could remember seriously thinking, is his kaboose really going to fit into my station!?!???!!?! Actually, maybe I should refer to it as a  jumbo jet, king of the castle, gigantor....


Back to details, there was no need to push me anywhere I went on my own this time.  So after some sucking, rubbing and tugging, neither of us could resist nor wait any longer.....one time, two time, three time, more!


After two long months of just blah blah blah, we finally did the deed. Mr. COCKZILLA has become my friend....with benefits!!!! I told him to make sure he was available whenever I wanted to take a ride on his disco stick and I'd be one happy camper. He smiled, and thus far has been available. 


Moral of the story...I followed my guidelines.                                                                                    1. check.     2. check.       3. check    (...the latter part of course).




Signed with a kiss,
Dee Dee xo